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Tom & Mary

We Have The Good Lord, ParentProfiles.com And The Internet To Thank For Our Family! Our pre-Internet adoption experiences were typical of those of most couples who have adopted, or have attempted to adopt. They involved a lot of waiting, frustrations, joys and some heartache.

When our son, who is now eleven, joined our family over six years ago, we were not yet certified to adopt. He had been living with his grandparents for two years while they searched for a family to adopt him. When we met, we knew instantly we wanted him to be our son. His grandparents had legal guardianship, and allowed him to move in with us while we worked on the legal paperwork. We always knew we wanted more children, but we also knew that our search for more children could not possibly be as effortless as it was for us to find our son.

In August of 1999, we became re-certified to adopt through a local agency and started our search for our second child. We distributed over 50 "Dear Birthmother" letters with our photos to the office of every Obstetrician and Attorney that would take them. We also told everyone we knew about our search with the hope that getting the word out would increase the likelihood of a birthmother finding and choosing us.

As luck would have it, in September of 1999, a birthmother came to us through a friend, and after our first meeting, she chose us to be the parents of the baby boy she was expecting in November! We were thrilled and anxiously prepared for our baby’s arrival, decorating his room with sailboats and a nautical theme. Then, two weeks prior to the delivery, the birthmother changed her mind and decided to keep her baby. Although this was heartbreaking, we decided that with God’s help, the right child would find his or her way to us, just as our son did. We just needed to be patient, yet assertive in our search, and be open to every opportunity.

That is when a co-worker brought me an article about using the Internet as a tool to connect with birthmothers in adoption. Initially, we were very hesitant about putting our story on the Internet. Going through the preliminary adoption certification is soul-bearing enough, but allowing an unlimited number of people to read the details of our lives seemed a bit beyond our comfort level. We spent the next week looking at different adoption websites and trying to get a feel for what this Internet thing was all about. Finally, after a lot of thought and study, we decided to try it. We contacted the website ParentProfiles.com, knowing this would be a most likely website where birthmothers would go. It turned out that ParentProfiles.com was an Arizona-based company, so instead of mailing in our materials to them, we stopped by in person to meet the people there and to get their input on our presentation.

We were excited when we saw our Profile and photos on the website several days later, just after Thanksgiving in 1999. In no time we were hearing from birthmothers. Many were very early on in their pregnancies. Some were not even certain about whether they even wanted to place their children for adoption. We heard from birthmothers all over the United States and as far away as Russia and India. We heard from many of these birthmothers only once, while others we had phone conversations with and were able to talk openly about our lives, about adoption, and about our joint expectations for continued contact after placement. Naturally, we remained cautious, and did not send money or continue relationships with birthmothers who were asking for more openness, or for other financial arrangements that we were not comfortable with. We also heard from facilitators via our E-mail site, but did not follow up with them.

In February of 2000, we were contacted by the birthmother of our first daughter, who was still in the hospital with her one-day-old baby. Because my husband had just left town on a business trip, I rushed to the hospital alone. I was somewhat apprehensive about this new experience and didn’t quite know what to expect. Because my husband and I had already been through screening interviews with birthmothers before, I expected that we would be one of several couples that would be "competing" for this infant, based on what happened in the interview that I was about to have. I was even a bit worried about how I would do alone in making a good first impression with this birthmother.

When I entered the hospital room, the birthmother was there with her entire family, the child and her attorney. Much to my surprise, the birthmother greeted me and then handed me her child and said, "Meet your new daughter." Thinking this was a bit strange, I asked the birthmother if there was anything that she wanted to know about our family. Her reply was, "Not really, I already know everything about you! I saw all your stuff on the Internet." Because of this, we were able to spend this time together at the hospital getting to know each other better, rather than having one of those uncomfortable "screening interviews."

Naturally, my husband cut his business trip short and returned home immediately. After spending some enjoyable time with the birthmother and her family himself at the hospital, we were able to take our daughter home the next day! When this birthmother saw our Dear Birthmother letter and photos on the Internet, she decided to choose us. She told us later that one of her reasons for doing this was that she wanted her baby girl to have a big brother, and she wanted her to grow up loving the ocean! In our Profile on the ParentProfiles.com website, we had shown a picture of us with our son and some with us on the beach, where we go often because we love it so much. Later when the birthmother saw our nursery, which was decorated in a nautical theme, it made her realize that we did have a lot in common and that she had found a family that she felt was a perfect match for her daughter. Because of the way our Profile was presented, it became possible for these unique things about us that were so important to the birthmother, to catch her eye and to touch her heart at a very key point in her selection process. For us, this was just another part of the wonderful miracle that has happened for our family.

Eight months later, in October of 2000, we turned again to the Internet and ParentProfiles.com, with the hope of finding another sister or brother for our son and daughter. Just as we were in the process of updating our existing Profile on the ParentProfiles.com website, we received an E-mail from the birthmother of a healthy, 10-month-old little girl, who was just two months older than our daughter! Because this birthmother was unmarried and unable to care for her child, after seeing the Profile of our family on the ParentProfiles.com website, she was eager to have us adopt her. Since they lived in another state, this meant that we needed to travel to pick her up and to complete that state’s legal requirements and paperwork. It just so happened that the adoption occurred over Christmas time, so we can now refer to our second daughter as "our best Christmas gift ever!"

We believe the main advantage the Internet brings to an adoption selection process is to break down the barriers between the birthmother and the potential adoptive parents. The birthmother can select the characteristics in an adoptive family that are the most important to her. She is free to set the criteria and make the choice. She can easily select couples from any part of the county and can focus in on the qualities that she feels are important for her child, and not necessarily the qualities that an agency might feel are important for the birthmother and her child. The birthmother can also make her selection in the comfort and convenience of her own home, a school computer lab, a dorm room, a public library, or even the home of a friend, without being subjected to pressures or unsolicited input from others.

The Internet provides potential adoptive couples with the tremendous advantage of having the exposure to so many possible birthmothers. It also provides an opportunity for the birthmothers and adoptive couple to experience open and free communication with each other, on terms they agree on, not only to get to know one another better, but also to work out an agreeable adoption plan that will cover the details of how the pregnancy, birth and post-placement matters will be handled. This often eliminates the need for an agency, at least in the "finding" of an adoptable child, and may even limit the need for immediate intervention by an attorney, although one will be necessary to finalize the adoption in court.

There is nothing magic about the Internet. We understand that it is just another tool to enhance the value and effectiveness of the contacts between birthmothers and adoptive families. Just as with any other tool, those who use it must exercise good judgment and caution. The Internet and the ParentProfiles.com website were extremely instrumental in putting us in contact with the birthmothers of our two daughters, and in turning their hearts toward us in a very beneficial way. We know we have the good Lord, ParentProfiles.com and the Internet to thank for the family we have today! I can't even begin to tell you how grateful we are to you, and everyone at ParentProfiles.com. "Thank you" just isn't adequate! We plan on using the Internet and the ParentProfiles.com website again when it comes time to open our home and hearts to baby #4!