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David & Rose
Our Birthmother Visited The ParentProfiles.com Website Frequently. We want to let you know that we found a birthmother through the ParentProfiles.com website! We went to visit her and everything is going very well. I’ve even talked with her mother on the phone. I’m so glad you left our Parent Profile up beyond the deadline for its removal. If you hadn’t, we wouldn’t have ever gotten our miracle child. more ...
Language is powerful. It conveys what we feel. It expresses our thoughts and it relays our opinions. And as language is such a powerful tool we can use, specific types of language can be offensive or hurtful to others. This usually takes place in regards to sensitive topics and subjects. When someone has personal experience with something or it has been an emotional experience, the more they may become offended or hurt. In order to give people the respect they deserve, it is important to be aware of negative and positive adoption language, and use it accordingly.
So, what adoption language is appropriate to use? The problem here is that there isn't one true way to speak that would be inoffensive to everyone. It all depends on that particular person's experience within the adoption triad. What some may find offensive adoption language, others won't. Because it is impossible to know beforehand if what you say will offend the other party, make an effort to find out.
First, if you feel so inclined, ask them. Talk to them about phrases or adoption language that makes them feel uncomfortable or upset, so that you can avoid these terms. Even though you may be nervous to be so blunt when asking, it will show that you respect them enough to find out before you offend. For the most part, they will be happy to tell you which adoption terms they prefer to use. It's all about being empathetic and respectful. If you don't feel comfortable asking, you can wait for them to use adoption-related terms and pick it up from there. They will obviously use terms with which they feel comfortable. Use the terms they use. It can be as simple as that.
As mentioned before, some terms will be offensive to one person and not offensive to others. But, here is a small list of terms that are generally accepted as positive adoption language:
- "Was Adopted" vs. "Is Adopted": The use of the past tense is more accepted than using the present tense. This is because the child was adopted, but is now an integral part of the family. Whether the child was adopted or not, the family sees him/her as a true part of the family, and loves him/her dearly.
- "Birth Parent" vs. "Real Parent": The term "birth parent" is more accepted because the term "real parent" is subjective. It means something different to everyone. Even though a birth parent placed his/her child with another family doesn't mean the birth parent doesn't love the child dearly. To say that the birth parent isn't a parent in one way or another is cruel.
- "Waiting Child" vs. "Adoptable Child": A child that is waiting to be adopted is just that, a "waiting child". Using the "adoptable child" term objectifies the child and makes him or her seem that is just something to acquire. The term "waiting child" shows humanity and respect for the child.
Whichever way you decide to go about using positive adoptive language, stay respectful and empathetic. Adoption can be hard on all members of the adoption triad.
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